In Deep Thought by: Lene Pienaar, Oil Painting – 2017
I pulled into my apartment complex parking lot. I sit alone in the car just thinking, characterizing, and considering each and every one of my past actions. I ask myself, “How did this happen?” “Things were supposed to get better, how could you let this happen?” My glasses fall to the carpet before me. I reach for them and all I can see are two mirrors. The one that gives you assurance that you did the right thing and the other that judges you for possibly just having done the wrong thing; I look into them and I’m scared. I don’t know which one to choose, and they don’t know which one is true.
I realize I need to get myself inside, take a long and therapeutic shower and have a good sleep to quit the game that I’ve lost and press “RESTART?” It rains outside, the first drops of the oncoming storm. I open the door to Charlie. He gives me the best hug that he could; only being able to extend two paws to my body. And of course he follows me around and begs for me to feed him.
He’s eating and I’m watching him. He’s so blinded, so loyal. He only knows love. He’s programmed only to love himself and his family. He has no conscience, no concept of right or wrong. When he does ‘wrong’, in my eyes, its’ only out of ignorance, not spite; He doesn’t stay in the anger; he just is, and he’s content with life. He’s the perfect human. No struggle, no pain, no heartbreak. He doesn’t question whether something is his fault, whether or not he’s insane, he’s blind to all judgements including his own.
He’s perfect. No one should be perfect. He’s what I wish I could be, but what I know I can’t be. Let’s go out for a walk boy. You haven’t seen this collar since you were a puppy. You grew out of it, your neck is too big to fit into it now. If you were really perfect you could do it. If you loved me, you’d do what I wanted. Stop running, stop resisting, stop reasoning; just put it on. Just fit inside. Stop fighting me; stop moving; stop breathing; just stop. Just stop.