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Letter to My Son
Roxanne Carr
Was it really because of me?
That’s what the lawyers said -
That’s how they got you Life -
instead of the Death Penalty.
Did I really fail you that badly?
You - you were so different -
So needy - so angry - so obstinate.
So hard to love.
But I tried -
I thought I tried.
That’s not what the lawyers said.
They said -
I was gone too long -
Worked too hard,
Partied too much.
Left you alone with your brother -
who beat you.
I didn’t know.
(Anyway, isn’t that what big brothers do?)
Only once -
Did I know,
and watch -
Because you deserved it.
You - and your angry little mouth.
What could I have done?
How could I have saved you
- from you?
So many things to be sorry for
- even before I knew what you’d done.
When you came back from the war.
I thought you were healed -
Exorcised of the demons
That plagued you - US -
All your life.
I was wrong.
The FBI said
It wasn’t my fault.
The Defense team befriended me
-betrayed me -
You were the one who told me
They weren’t my friends,
in one of many expensive, collect calls.
How could I have known?
I didn’t understand why
they asked so many questions
- about me.
I wasn’t there.
I’ve never even been -
in a physical fight.
You’re the only person I’ve ever lashed out at
- violently.
I told you not to do it
Long before -it- was an option.
I told you in a war
You die before you knowingly
Do something wrong -
Even if your commanding officer tells you to.
You didn’t listen.
You never listened.
And a jury of your peers
found you guilty,
then found me guilty.
So they spared you
and condemned you
To a life that’s no life at all,
If you ask me.
Alone - for your own safety -
Because the other convicts would kill you.
the atrocity of your crime that unthinkable.
You disgraced the United States,
So the United States abandoned you -
Forbid the Defense from mentioning
the army’s shortcomings.
And since Uncle Sam paid
The lawyers obeyed.
And now you sit - alone.
The world is safe.
You are safe.
You can’t hurt each other anymore.
But you know what, Son?
The dark thought,
that haunts,
and hurts me,
Survivor’s guilt, I guess.
I thought I’d be the first one -
you’d kill.
Back to Inaugural Issue - Spring 2011
Photograph: Kata Fountain, Polaroid, 2009