A Journal of Arts & Letters

Month: March 2016 Page 7 of 8

Too Close for Comfort by: Curtis Sternitzky

First Stage2

First Stage by: Hillarree Hamblin, Acrylic on canvas, 2010.

Too Close for Comfort
by: Curtis Sternitzky

Water fell in sheets across the roads. White froth flowed off the aged sidewalks and into the gutters. Time had not yet taken its toll in the city sewer systems, so the streets remained streets instead of turning into rivers. Droplets danced on the roofs of abandoned cars before gaining enough mass to roll down the windows and onto the ground. The cold, gripping air of before had become an icy leech. The howling wind had become a droning roar in the rain.

Justin peered into the haze of falling water. He was deep in focus, in spite of the horrid smells clawing at his nose. A gust of chilling wind cut through his flimsy hoodie and into his torso. Muscles throughout his body shivered Aside from the rain, nothing was moving.

Kelsin saw Justin wave his hand. He got up from behind an overturned vending machine and made his way to Justin’s position. Water sloshed with each rapid step. The shadow of paranoia was now gnawing at the back of his mind. They were now near to the police station, which meant the Beast nest was, too. He glanced behind him, into the wet streets. The pain in his shoulders had dissipated to a throbbing burn. The gouges made sure they weren’t forgotten with each step. Clearing his mind, Kelsin brought his focus back to the task hand.

“We’re close now. It’s less than five blocks away.” He spoke in an elevated tone so his voice would cut through the din of the storm.

“I still haven’t seen any Beasts. I thought they didn’t mind the rain?” Justin asked the question wit out looking at Kelsin. He had always been taught to keep his eyes sharp during storms. The rain made it harder to hear.

“Only when there’s food available, otherwise they avoid it.”

“Which means they’ve moved inside. Fantastic. That doesn’t really help us when we hit the station.” Frustration bubbled through Justin’s response.

“Meh, details.”

Justin shook his head at Kelsin’s light-hearted response.

“Just don’t get killed. You owe me a drink now, remember?” Justin took off without waiting for Kelsin to respond. Water exploded out from under his already soaked sneaker with every footfall. It took him a few heartbeats to reach the next intersection. He loved running. Even when he was little, Justin remember how he liked to challenge his friends to races.

He came upon what appeared to be a old newspaper kiosk. Most of its shelves lay bare and abandoned. Green paint clung defiantly to the metal frame. The tattered remains of a red and blue awning extended from the top of the structure. Relief took hold of Justin as he took refuge from the storm under the canopy.

An old newspaper rested in silence in a wire basket hanging from the front of the kiosk. Its pages were curled and yellowed with age and exposure to the elements. The image on the cover was still visible. A mechanical dog appeared to be smelling a discarded piece of paper. The title read ‘Savior of the Future?

Justin moved to the edge of the kiosk and began scanning the intersection for threats. The sticky cold gnawed on his limbs and body. Nothing moved ahead. Dead cars silently accepted the pounding rain from above. Training told Justin that something wasn’t right. Even during heavy storms, a few Guardian Beasts should be out this close to the nest. His eyes darted across the skyline. Still, he found nothing. A growing sense of uneasiness was working its way into Justin’s mind. Something felt off to him.

A massive shadow began to manifest itself across the intersection. It was moving wit ha deliberate, slow pace in Justin’s direction. The dark mass stood nearly two stories tall. Heart racing, Justin slashed his hand sideways, signaling Kelsin to hide. After communicating the threat, he darted into an open doorway across from the kiosk.

Pausing for a heartbeat, Justin let his eyes adjust to the darkness. Metal shutters covered most of the windows. Once his eyes adjusted, he saw that he appeared to be in an old store. Justin dove over the checkout counter and landed on the tile floor behind it with a grunt. Rain drumming on the concrete sidewalk was all he could hear. Other than rain, Justin heard nothing. The silence did little to slow his racing heart. The he heard it, the distinct ‘thud’ of a massive weight falling on asphalt. The footfalls slowly grew louder and louder.

Then the sound stopped.

The Beast was just outside. Justin’s heart felt as if it was exploding from his chest with the realization, but he didn’t dare move from fear of being heard. The creature inhaled, a pause, then another inhale. It was smelling the air where Justin had just been. He had heard of this kind of Beast. Ones this large were called Behemoths. They were prone to cannibalism and would plow into small buildings in search of food. The fact that Justin was slathered in Beast blood didn’t help his situation.

Another huff came from the door.

Fear burned through Justin’s body. If the thing realized where he was hiding, he would have no chance of escape. The only thing he could do was lie there, and hope for the best. In spite of the cold, sweat rolled off his brow and onto the dusty ground.

A deep growl shook the building The particles by Justin’s face danced, his bones quaked. His breathing stopped.

The sound of a heavy step echoed outside. The another. A heavy sigh escaped escaped his mouth. Justin’s heart flooded with relief, as he heard the footsteps fade. He didn’t move, even though his limbs were starting to go numb from lack of circulation. Training told him to be certain the Behemoth was gone. Now his mind was on Kelsin.

A roar tore through the air. It was so powerful that the very atmosphere seemed to quiver in fear of it.

‘Oh, no…’ Justin thought.

He heard a boom followed by the sound of falling stone and shattering glass. It had found Kelsin, Justin was certain. There was nothing he could do. Helplessness overcame his brief sense of relief.

‘What’s happening to you, Kelsin?’

Kelsin was both amazed and horrified by how fast the Behemoth had moved. One moment it was sniffing the air outside the Laundromat he had taken refuge in. The next, it was shoving its massive body through the front of the building. the sound reminded him of a bomb going off. Old washing machines toppled to the ground, their metal frames smashing angrily into the tile floor. The ceiling buckled as the Beast propelled itself further. Fluorescent bulbs shattered in their housings.

Kelsin crawled into the office at the back Just as the hungry creature let out another earth shattering roar. Heart pounding, he began pulling at a door he believed led to the alleyway. It wouldn’t budge. Years of neglect had rusted the bolt shut. He began slamming his whole body against the door. His only reward was fresh pain in his already damaged shoulders.

The entire building rocked on its foundation as the beast crawled even further in. Beams groaned in the walls, spider web cracks streaked across the plaster, a metal chair fell to the office carpet with a loud thunk. After regaining his balance, Kelsin saw that the frame of the metal door was now contorted and stressed. He picked up the fallen chair and jammed it into where the gap between the door and its threshold was widest. Adrenaline frenzying his muscles, he began desperately prying at the door. Steel scraped against steel. The metal protested with the effort. The door began to relent.

He could feel the hot air of the Behemoths massive breaths washing over his body. One more push, and the creature would have him in its jaws. It was either that or the building collapse on top of him. Neither option seemed very appealing to Kelsin.

With one final effort of desperation, the door groaned resentfully open. He was sprinting into the alleyway before the chair he had dropped reached he ground. Being hunted by something so much larger than himself always awoke some primordial fear in Kelsin’s mind.

Now he had to fin Justin and get away from the frenzied Behemoth. He had seen his Scout run into some of shop just before he slipping into the Laundromat. He sprinted down to the kiosk and paused at the doorway across from it.

“Justin!” he hissed.

With the word, Kelsin watched his Scout come soaring over a counter and charge the doorway. Within a breath, both men were sprinting down the street in the pouring rain. Stealing a glance over his shoulder, Kelsin saw the massive thing was starting to pull itself from the rubble.

‘We can’t outrun it!’ He had been in this situation before. A manhole cover caught his eye. Pointing to it, he shouted.

“Get that cover off!”

Justin grasped the lid and slid it off. The sound of rushing water assaulted his ears.

“You sure this is a good idea?” Justin could barely contain his panic.

“Not really.” Kelsin looked back at the Behemoth. It was shaking the last bits of concrete and plaster from its shoulders and back. Raising its head, it locked eyes with the two men. Massive legs began propelling the Beast towards the duo with unimaginable speed.

This was all the prompting needed for Kelsin and Justin to plunge into the darkness of the sewers.

back to archive 2012

Canto 13 by: Anna Rashe

LOIG

Lady of Industrial Green by: Tony Fuller, Charcoal on paper, 2012.

Canto 13
by: Anna Rashe

Scarlet seeps from my bitten leaves
unable to scab over and begin healing.
Roots tunnel in the dark soil
worming through the damp ground.
I have not ventured from this place since falling.
My twisted limbs beckon for consolation
but all souls around me are in the same predicament.
Bulging knots have formed over my charcoal wood.
Moans from above shower my leafless limbs
and shrieks from below feed my intertwined foundation.
Suffering is a continual downpour of blood and tears.
Pier della Vigna stands to my far left.
His worn bark shows the scars of years past.
I tried to run from the suffering in my life before
and unbeknownst to me, I ran into the dragon’s mouth.

back to archive 2012

Karma by: Karina Neves

handJohnOwens

Karma
by: Karina Neves

Karma

by: Karina Neves

They told me he’d never make it through the night. If he did, he would live the remainder of his life as a vegetable. Replaying the past few hours in my head – the urgent call I received just past midnight, the sleek convertible, no more than a crumpled mass of metal littering the side of the highway, flashing lights of emergency vehicles, my husband on a stretcher, blood caked to what remained of his face when they finally pulled him out of the flames – I felt nothing. And I don’t mean “nothing” in the way of the numbness that overtakes the body as a means of self-preservation after a traumatic event. I know the feelings I should have felt, as I watched my spouse laying on the hospital bed, cut, burned, bruised, and mutilated, possibly dying right before my eyes. Shock, horror, agony, despair – any one of those would have been appropriate for a scenario such as this one. Yet I could not muster a single emotion.
The passenger was killed on impact, or so I was told by the authorities. I did not know who she was, not what she looked like. I saw her for the first time when they asked me to identify her after she was pulled out of the wreckage and, by then, her face no longer held any characteristic features.
I imagined she must have been beautiful. Young and carefree, with no regard for morality, favoring her own pleasure over ethics or propriety. Perhaps she was simply naïve, believing as I once did that she had found her soul mate in this man. Perhaps she was not young at all, but another woman like me, also unhappy in her marriage. Perhaps she, too, married too young, settled down, had children. And after some years, her marriage grew stale, as marriages often do. Her husband began neglecting her, working late nights, taking a few too many business trips.  She decided she wanted more, needed more. And just then, she found this man. He shot her that dazzling smile, bought her a drink. He came into her life and made her feel like a woman again. Did she know that, somewhere, there was a woman, much like her, who stayed up those nights, waiting for that man to come home from late nights at the office?
Whoever she was, it somehow seemed easier to pity her than the man, who now lay before me. I turned my attention to the impressive display of machines, humming and beeping robotically, each one with its specific purpose to keep him alive – one delivered oxygen to his lungs, another replaced the blood he had lost, another nourished him. How ironic, I thought, that he should be the one with such an extensive array of equipments to keep his heart beating, when it was mine that had been shattered.
I imagined him lying there for years to come, his mind trapped in a body that would never function again. Would he live in agony, tormented by his betrayal? Or would he relive his last moments with her, replaying them over and over – their first date, first kiss, their first… Would he ever once think of the woman who waited at home on those late nights, or the children she tucked in by herself, the children she would now have to raise on her own?
My thoughts were interrupted by the long monotonous drone of the heart monitor, as the line went flat. As I loosened my grip on the cord in my hand, it fell to the floor, slipping past my sweaty fingertips. They told me he’d never make it through the night. Sometimes fate just needs a helping hand.

back to archive 2011

The Empty Country by: Robert Marcom

huntingParty

Hunting Party by: Hillarree Hamblin, Mixed media on canvas, 2010.

The Empty Country
by: Robert Marcom

Dreary scraps of torn and tattered rain clouds flee the desolate
prairie where rabbits starve for the lack of a bit of green to eat…
and coyotes languish for want of rabbit flesh. The empty place,
suitable for vultures and that breed of human who fences empty
spaces and strings high tension power lines.

No Indians lingered here, and Conquistadores came, conquered, passed
through and were gone. Only empty land remained — and rabbits,
coyotes and vultures — when the rains finally came.

back to archive 2011

My Inheritance by: Lindsey Blasingame

Cupidity_sshieldpolk

Cupidity by: Suzanne Shield-Polk, Ceramic with encaustic wax and collage, 2010.

My Inheritance

by: Lindsey Blasingame

In the hallow room at the center,
holding up the house and frame.
If an ivory key was pushed just hard enough,
the sickly vibrato notes would ring relentlessly,
hitting tile and wall.

And this would happen every Wednesday night.
Violently and repeatedly, haunting me
as I was forced to learn to play,
as all ladies should.
Though I came up wanting.

And every Friday the flecks that
peeled from the embroidered wood
would stain my hands like blood on the carpet
and the smell of cherries – and wood polish –
would linger in my hair for the rest of the weekend.

But it was my mother’s will as the two
before her in line for the same inheritance,
and now as I’ve left the sheets of music dusty and away,
I still wonder who I detest more:
My mother or that damn piano.

back to archive 2011

Let the Smoke Settle, Then Exhale by: Emily Yandell

ashleys daily life 029

Ashley’s Daily Life by: Ashley Diaz, Pen and ink on paper, 2010.

Let the Smoke Settle, Then Exale
by: Emily Yandell

Take a drag.
Draw it gently to your lips.
Let the smoke settle, and then exhale.
You live in a world surrounded by the smog you’ve seen others create
With their chimney pipes of deterioration and dehydration.
Trash growing, population piling, intellect in retrospect.
It’s all the same to you anyway.
You’re better than them anyway.
Take a drag.
Draw it calmly to your lips.
Let the smoke settle, and then exhale.
You live in a world surrounded by your ideals that seem
better than you’ve seen before
With change spilling out of your mouth like a slot machine.
Egotism towering, purpose prevailing, second rate left in second place.
It’s all the same to you anyway.
You’ve done your best to be best anyway.
Take a drag.
Draw it slowly to your lips.
Let the smoke settle, then exhale.
You live in a world surrounded by the smog of ideals created before you
Where the brain and the heart beat for one single thought.
Gears turning, people promoting, the here and now hearing how.
It’s all the same to you anyway.
You’ve got the best of the best anyway.
Take a drag.
Draw it smoothly to your lips.
Let the smoke settle, then exhale.
You are the ideal surrounding the world.
With grains of the future falling through the hour glass
Faith flying, light shining, and the promise of promises
It’s all the same to you anyway.
You’ve kept time for yourself anyway.

back to archive 2011

Tar by: Garret Sealey

motion

Motion by: Ashley Diaz, Watercolor and india ink on paper, 2011.

Tar
by: Garret Sealey

I feel your lips
Your teeth sink in
Blackness follows

back to archive 2011

Katie Lynn on the Corner by: Celia Sonnier

Stress

Stress by: Hillarree Hamblin, Acrylic on canvas, 2010.

Katie Lynn on the Corner
by: Celia Sonnier

Katie Lynn was the girl on the corner; every Saturday when her coworkers would see family or go on dates or even go out on their own she was standing there.
Well, not the corner exactly. That was too dangerous. Katie Lynn kept herself only in the nicest parts of the town and would stand with her back against the solidest building she could find. Never against a window; someone could smash through, and she would get glass in her back, and they could push her down, even out into the street, or pull her back into the building through more glass and…
No, never against a window. Solid walls only.
People would try to give her money sometimes, but she refused most of it. Some of the people looked like the money could be marked, or it could have traces of dangerous drugs or chemicals on them. Katie Lynn was never without gloves, one of the reasons she insisted on living in a cooler part of the country, but she still didn’t want tainted money.
Besides she didn’t consider this as way of making money. She had her job at the office. Working as a secretary could be nerve-wracking but she made a good living. Still people who saw the signs, or her odd dress, would automatically run away or reach for their wallets.
Sometimes she was the one who ran. Some of the people gave off bad feelings like a trash can gives off bad smells.
Her signs were nice though, and the reason she stood there every Saturday. She spent all her free time on them, artistically rendered in nice lettering that was easy to read if you just gave your eyes a few moments to adjust. Sometimes she experimented with nice colors, or little pictures from the letters themselves.
They gave advice too, telling passers-by that they should avoid heels because in the event of a mugging they wouldn’t be able to run away; or the other one telling everyone to check their oven regularly to be sure it wasn’t malfunctioning. Yet another explained that everyone should become practiced in self defense and listed the multitude of reasons in a beautiful Asian motif. There were occasionally offers to buy a sign, but they were for learning, she would explain, not to hang on some wall and be seen only by a few.
The clothes she wore were only the most practical, in a way that made people stare. Loose t-shirts were her favorite, belted around the waist to keep them from flopping around or snagging on things or giving someone else a place to grab her. And she only ever wore shorts and leggings. Never a skirt, they were either too constricting or too loose, and shorts only when the weather was at it’s hottest.
On her feet were, invariably, large combat boots, military issue.
There was never any jewelry; her ears weren’t pierced, and her hair stayed no longer than shoulder length at worst.
Katie Lynn made pamphlets too. She was working on a book, but sadly knew she had little hope of publishing. She didn’t even have a title yet, only a few thoughts for chapters. One on self defense, that was important. One on how to ride a horse. One of using a borrowed car. One for cooking in the wild. One for navigating by the stars.
Well, maybe more than just a few thoughts.
Titles were hard though. She like ‘Street Corner Wisdom,’ but it seemed not right. ‘Facts to Live By’ or ‘How to Survive’ were both nice, but rearranging words and endless possibilities was both frightening and annoying. Nothing politely tapped her on the shoulder or proudly stuck it’s check out to say that it was ‘the one.’ So the book she hadn’t written stayed nameless.
The pamphlets were more fun. She had a whole series on knots and uses for them; edible vs poisonous plants was another big run she had planned. They were short and easy to come up with, and almost as fun as the posters to create.
Katie Lynn even had a few fans, but she ran from them as best she could. Once she had gotten an email from a man saying he collected all of her work and always looked out for her on Saturday mornings.
After that she made a point of staying clear of people she saw too much, and she changed her email too. That one, the one that was printed with the pamphlets, was strictly for questions now, and she never replied to her ‘fan’. Luckily he didn’t say anything more, but the fact that she couldn’t figure out which of her customers he was always left Katie Lynn uneasy.
Saturday evenings were the worst. She would arrive at her chosen corner early in the day, bringing a light lunch to eat so she wouldn’t have to leave. All day she would stay there, smiling nervously and sometimes even talking to people with her back firmly against the wall. Those evenings she passed out the most pamphlets, had the most questions, and came away feeling like she had really made a difference.
Going home was a different matter entirely.
She left right when the sky turned pink, and Katie Lynn always used her bicycle to get home. She lived in a central part of the town and felt it was safer to have a getaway vehicle ready, even if it was only two wheels. It was never a problem to get there if she was ready to put in a little effort.
Today she has no bike.
A week ago she had been making her way home during dusk when, just a few blocks from the building, a bat flew into her hair. It somehow got caught in her short hair and she crashed; the bike managed to warp the front wheel dramatically in that small collision and was now completely unridable.
She seethed with embarrassment at the memory. How could she have panicked like that? Katie Lynn, survival expert, scared into a crash by a flying rat.
She hadn’t picked a place far from her apartment to stand today, and the walk was a short one. Still she was only two minutes into the walk when someone came up on her left, and while she didn’t tense, Katie Lynn immediately memorized what he looked like, just in case she had to inform police later. He was slouching. Hiding something? A weapon?
To disarm a knife, it is best to stay calm and step around them, grabbing their wrist so they can’t move it. Then it should be easy to knock them over, or knee them in the groin or stomach to keep them from being able to do you any harm.
Guns were harder. Guns you should avoid. You should run or try to get it from them before they could really get it out and even start trying to aim it towards you.
The man walked on and turned right into a little bar, filled with people. Katie Lynn let out a breath.
Up ahead was a corner.
Katie Lynn slowed and glanced behind her for just a second as she halted, no one was there — good. She listened intently; she couldn’t hear anything…. Her mind whispered to her of people laying in wait, being just as silent as she in their efforts to throw her off guard. Of creatures with flashing eyes leaping at her in disturbed anger. A trap. A sudden catastrophe.
Wasn’t she braver than this?
Before another thought could surface, Katie Lynn was around the edge; nothing was there, and now she was only a minute from home.
Someone could still be behind her. Come out of a store or alleyway between the time that she looked back and hesitated at the turn.
She kept walking, a little faster. If someone did come at her from behind she could stop abruptly, to throw them off and bring them in closer before they realized it, and then elbow them in the stomach before sweeping them to the floor with a hook to the knee.
At the apartment she pushed through the door with a minimum of fumbling. The glass felt like steel behind her, enough shut out the follower.
The elevator was empty, and she rode up eleven floors breathing deeply, staring at the emergency stop, wondering just how much truth was in that old ‘Jump at the last moment when an elevator falls’ tale. It couldn’t hurt she decided as the lights dinged at her floor.
The hallway looked foreboding as always. She clutched her bag of unused pamphlets up in the crook of her arm and walked quickly. No windows was nice, but so many doors made her even more nervous.
It would be so easy, if one were inclined, to just reach out and grab someone along this hall. The doors were wide and well greased; if you didn’t make any weird noises, you would be able to grab them before they noticed you. Simple. And such a nice apartment had sound proofed walls, no one would make out the muffled screams of a kidnapped victim, and surely someone staying here would be able to afford the drugs to keep their victim too debilitated to even make a decent attempt to escape or cry for help around being bound and gagged.
One-one-one-four. Here she was. Home, after a fashion. It was full of second hand books on every subject that could be considered useful. From gardening to architecture to physics, even a small book on sewing patterns. Assorted oddments lay on top of stacks of those books; her only furniture.
The door was triple-locked, just in case.
In one of the two adjoining rooms she had a bed. It jutted diagonally from the corner, she had wanted it opposite the  window — also locked three different ways at all times — but couldn’t sleep that close to the door or her reaction time, and thus chances of getting out of any attempts at ill will towards her at night, would go way down.
Katie Lynn dropped onto the bed face down for a moment, then carefully rolling over. She took off her boots, keeping them within arm’s reach, and switched her clothes for a different tee and shorts. Her feet were sore and chafed despite a double pair of socks. It would be best to fix the bike as soon as she could; her nerves lasted so much longer with her getaway ready.

back to archive 2011

Sewing by: Kimberly James Creden

lock.jpg

Lock by: Kata Fountain, Photograph, 2009.

Sewing
by: Kimberly James Creden

              The fabric was perfect.  No wrinkles and the fold was crisp.  I laid it out across the counter smoothing the wrinkles that weren’t there.  The pattern pieces fit perfectly–covering the fabric almost completely.  Small scraps would be left over, but at least I guessed right this time.  Just scraps, not much waste.  Everything working out just right.
Bob came in and settled into the sofa.  Another NASCAR weekend as expected.
“How’s it going?”  he casually asked.
“Good,”  I told him.  He wasn’t really interested and I knew it.  It was just conversation.
Carefully, I cut around the pieces.  My scissors had just come back from being sharpened, and they were serving me well.  Whenever I cut out a pattern, it always got a little tricky around the small bits.  Not this time.  They were sharp, and the fabric wasn’t fighting it.  A good sign for a project start.  Hopefully the rest would go as well.
“So what did you think about having my parents here for Thanksgiving?”  Bob asked me.  My heart skipped a beat.  I had hoped that with the kitchen renovations going on we had dodged this bullet.   Carefully, I ran the thread through the path for threading the sewing machine and put everything at the ready.  I lifted the presser foot putting the fabric in place.  Everything was ready.  My foot was on the pedal that made the machine do its thing.  I just needed to do mine.
“Well……..I’m not really sure,” I replied slowly.  “Do you honestly think we should?”
“Why not?  We haven’t had them here in a while, and the kids would love it.  I’m sure my mom would love to see the new landscaping.  And you know, you’re so good at the whole dinner thing.  It’ll be fine.  You’ll see.”
Well, that all may have been true, but it seemed like he was forgetting that every time his parents were around there was so much stress I could use my sewing shears to cut it.  For whatever reason, he always seemed to forget it once they were gone.
I liked Bob’s parents; who wouldn’t?  They were perfect.  That was the point–they were too perfect.  Bob’s dad had been a bank president in a small mid-western town when Bob was growing up.  Image was everything, and everything had to be perfect.  Bob Sr. and Madeline were the perfect couple with the perfect kids.  They belonged to the country club and had cocktail parties, and their pictures frequently graced the society pages of their town’s local newspaper.
The problem with perfect, though, was that it’s an impossible standard to live up to.  Throughout my marriage to Bob, I had always felt that through every holiday and every family event, I was constantly being measured by a standard I could never live up to.  There was always pressure to do things in Bob’s family’s tradition, and I never felt that I could measure up.   And Bob made it very clear where I didn’t.
The other problem with perfect is that problems do not exist.  Bob’s mother, Madeline, had told me once that there was a time where she would try and talk to Bob Sr. about issues or concerns she had about their marriage and it was always met with a promise that they would talk “later.”  Later, however, never came.  Nothing got talked about; nothing resolved.  Instead, it was always swept under the rug.
Bob, it would seem, had learned the same method for problem handling.   Whenever I wanted to talk to him about something that was bothering me about our marriage, he always seemed to disappear.  Or he would tell me that we would talk about it later, which we never did.        Or, if I did manage to speak up, I would get so much hostility in return I would regret ever having opened my mouth.  Bob was always able to criticize and humiliate me to the point where I felt I could do nothing right.
A Thanksgiving with Bob’s family was sure to mean a high amount of stress as I tried to make sure that everything was perfect.  There would always be the behind-the-scenes stress and fighting between Bob and me, but it all had to be hidden from his parents.  In front of them Bob pretended that everything was great.  When they were out of earshot, though, it was a different story.  The whole aspect of pretending perfect was absolutely crazy-making to me.
I was surprised at how well the stitches were going.  Nice and even.  Not one mistake — yet.  Hopefully I wasn’t going to have to spend time with the ripper — that little tool that helped me cut through the mess I had been known to make once the stitches got tangled.  Optimistically I hadn’t even found it before I started this time — one of those things I pretty much always did.
But what about this Thanksgiving thing?  What kind of mess was I going to have to deal with there?  Bob had been asking me for about a week about it, and I had tried to avoid the conversation every time.  Now that he was in the room with me and I was sewing, I was a bit trapped.  It wasn’t as if I could just randomly decide to go do something else — not after I had made such a big production about wanting to sew.  But I really didn’t want to have this conversation either.  He never understood my point of view on the whole having-his-parents-to-visit thing.  He never saw the stress that the kids and I always felt.    He never saw the mess of it all.
I didn’t want to fight with him–I never did.  And no matter what, there would be a fight about Thanksgiving.  Whether it was between he and I or when his parents got here.  It was going to happen.  I just couldn’t ever figure out how to keep it from happening.
“My mom already said they would bring the turkey and a dessert, so I’ll go ahead and have her call you to plan out the rest.”  Bob’s words landed on me like a bomb.  If I had a choice it was gone now.  Did I ever even have one in the first place?  Why didn’t I ever say anything?  Why couldn’t I tell him what I felt?
In actuality, I knew the answer to that question.  My own upbringing was quite different than Bob’s.  My parents weren’t perfect–far from it.  Alcoholism ran rampant in my house as my mother and step-father had a social circle that spent quite a bit of time together getting drunk.  My mother was the type to get a bit ugly when she drank, and frequently I would be the target of a barrage of criticisms of how having me ruined her life.  I quickly developed a fear of abandonment by my mother and learned that being invisible was my best protection.  If I didn’t make waves, didn’t speak up, didn’t draw attention to myself, I’d be safe.  Or so I grew to think.
My tumultuous relationship with Bob triggered those same childhood fears that were so ingrained in my subconscious.  If I spoke up or disagreed with Bob, it always ended badly.  Hostility was his tool to get his way, and it almost always worked.  I always gave in to keep the peace–the cost being my sense of self-worth dwindling over time.
I reached the end of sewing my first piece.  No tangles, so I haven’t made a mess–not yet, but now almost everything I’ve done has to be done again. The bottom stitch–key to keeping the whole thing together — was missing from almost all of what I just sewn.  There was no connection to the top.  No way to keep it all together.
I take it all apart and get ready to wind another bobbin.  Hopefully, this time, I really will have everything in place.  No matter what I do on the front end of a project, there is always something I forget.

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The Tea Is Done by: Sabaz

First_Stage2

First Stage by: Hillarree Hamblin, Acrylic on canvas, 2010.

The Tea Is Done
by: Sabaz

The kettle’s bloodcurdling scream every morning,
Breaks the silence of the house and my mind,
Two cups on the granite, anxious to be filled,
Clueless to what brings forth the clamor of the day.
Damn it! The teabag spills its guts in the hot water,
Portents of discontent, nothing left to weep for.
False promises to myself, of leaving any day,
But finding the morning’s lull interrupted,
By the maddening hiss of the kettle again.

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